His life, her story, one love: Four students talk about their sexual identity and how it has shaped their lives

From picking out a nickname to deciding the right time to say “I love you,” every relationship has its own unique set of circumstances and difficulties that must be overcome. However, having a different sexuality or gender identity can sometimes complicate those challenges in ways you might not consider.

To help shed light on some of these issues, we’ve spoken to lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender individuals from the University of Toledo community to find out how their sexuality and identity has shaped both their relationships and their lives.

JACK

Identifies as transgender

Jack Alferio is a transgender man in his first-year at UT majoring in social work. Though Alferio was designated female at birth, he now identifies as male and is determined to be an example to others. His shinning passion for activism is obvious to anyone who meets him, as he’s involved in groups like Trans Ohio and Equality Toledo.

However, he’s far from self-absorbed. When asked about himself, he immediately re-directed the question to focus on how he enjoys working with others instead.

“Helping other people really helps myself and makes me feel good about myself, so when I’m able to help other people learn about themselves or learn about a community they don’t know much about, it does help me in return,” Alferio said.

The more difficult question for Alferio is his sexuality — right now, he’s questioning. Though he’s been identifying as bisexual since the age of 13, he said he’s now starting to lean toward preferring men.

Though he didn’t hesitate when asked about his preferred gender pronouns, Alferio did admit that being able to refer to himself as a man wasn’t easy in the beginning and took a lot of courage.

“I couldn’t say the words ‘I’m a boy’ for the longest time, because it just didn’t feel right,” he said. “But I started talking about it more and then I started binding my chest, and then I was like, ‘Yeah, I’m going to transition.”

During that same time he still identified as a female, Alferio had been in a relationship with a woman. His girlfriend had been under the impression she was in a typical lesbian relationship — that is, before he told her the news.

To his delight, even afterward, she still supported him unconditionally.

“She was just with me every step of the way,” Alferio said. “She was really supportive, she always used my pronouns and she always used my name. There was really no hesitation to support me. It was pretty excellent actually.”

However, Alferio said he felt the way in which others looked at his relationship began to change after he transitioned. He said the everyday observer started to consider his relationship with his girlfriend a heterosexual one, something he described as a double-edged sword.

“Outsiders suddenly saw us just as a heterosexual couple, which was kind of sad because I don’t like losing my queer identity,” he said. “But like, at the same time I was being seen for who I was for the first time in my life, so that was nice.”

He and his girlfriend stayed together for three years, both during and after his transition. When they did eventually break up, it was on good terms. Without bitterness in his voice, he said the two of them are still good friends and that he’s happy to still have her in his life.

While Alferio said he’s never run into anyone who was confrontational about his gender identity or relationships, he has received his fair share of curious questions, including some invasive ones. In fact, he recalled being asked one just a couple days prior at work.

“Someone asked me how I have sex, and I was like ‘All right,’” he said. “It was very inappropriate, and I was like, ‘I’m not going to answer that.’”

Regardless of the rude behavior he experiences at times from others, his personality and demeanor is still casual and relaxed. Dealing with questions like this is simply a part of his life, and he believes he’s come to an understanding of where the questions stem from.

“Just the unknown, I think. They’re like, ‘This is different from me, and I need to know everything about what’s different than me,’” he said.

When asked for advice to give to others who may be struggling with their gender identity or sexuality while in a relationship, Alferio took a moment to consider his response. Instead of sounding like a clinical poster or Internet ad, he took on the role of a supportive friend and mentor, showing earnest concern for his community members.

“Be safe, first,” he said. “If you don’t feel safe coming out, if you don’t feel safe in your relationship because your person, your significant other, wants you to come out, I would definitely just be open and talk about that, but your safety is number one.”

LAVELLE

Identifies as gay

Lavelle Ridley is a third-year double-majoring in English literature and Africana studies, and is currently working towards graduate school. Ridley identifies as gay, and is the former president of Spectrum, a position that keeps him active and socially involved. Ridley said as president, he tries his best to watch over Spectrum members, a task he finds stressful but fun and rewarding.

While Ridley is comfortable in his sexuality, romantic relationships are one avenue that he’s never explored. He explained that part of his decision revolves around a conscious focus on his schoolwork rather than dating since he has high standards and definite goals for himself.

“My early years of college, it started off as I really couldn’t find anyone that I thought was worthy, or you know, someone that I could really see myself with,” he said. “These later years it’s been more of a choice, because I’m focusing more on school and things of that nature.”

However, school isn’t the only thing stopping him from going out and finding a boyfriend. Ridley is unapologetically particular about the type of guy he’s willing to date.

“A lot of my friends tell me I’m very picky and that I’m very stuck up,” he said. “Like you have to have so many credentials, like you have to have the most perfect resume to date me — which is not true,” he said, playfully pretending to be outraged before he considered it a moment.

“Well, it’s kind of true. It’s not really true, but it kind of is,” he said with a laugh.

When asked what some of the qualities are that he’d like to see on a hypothetical dating resume, he jokingly suggested the president of the United States before jumping into a slightly more realistic list.

Right off the bat, Ridley said aesthetic appeal is a must. He knows different things are beautiful to different people and wants someone that is aesthetically appealing to him. He won’t date someone too far off from his own age, and it wouldn’t hurt his chances to be a good cook, either. Even more important is the person’s direction in life.

“I couldn’t have someone that’s just sitting at home, like ‘okay, I’ll be here when you get back,’” he said, giving his best imitation of a typical couch potato. “I get back and they’re still right there in the same spot. I can’t have that; I can’t do it.”

Most importantly, Ridley said he wants a relationship that will last for a long time.

“I wouldn’t date someone knowing that I won’t stay with them for a good amount of time,” he said. “I want to date someone that I already know.”

While he doesn’t feel any particular hurry to find his dream guy right now, he said he still goes through occasional periods of wanting a relationship.

“I’ll go to the clubs and the bars, and I’ll see a bunch of couples that are kissing and making out and all that, which I think is really beautiful,” he said. “You do whatever, express your love. But I look at that and I’m just like, I want to be in a relationship too.”

When the right time comes along, he’s sure he’ll know exactly what he’s looking for. But for now, he said being surrounded by his friends is more than enough.

SARAH

Identifies as lesbian

Sarah Vogel is a third-year music education major who identifies as a lesbian. Her love for music extends far beyond classes, too. Vogel is the parliamentarian and membership committee chair of the national honor band fraternity Kappa Kappa Psi and president of the Ohio Collegiate Education Music Association at UT.

While music and the desire to teach have been important parts of her life for a long time, Vogel’s realization of her sexuality is a more recent development. Growing up, Vogel always considered herself straight and was even in a four-year long relationship with a boy when she met her current girlfriend.

Realizing her feelings were changing was tough to accept, and she struggled with it for some time before finally realizing who she was falling for. Instead of another boy, Vogel began noticing a girl named Cole, who is now her girlfriend of two years. Originally, she heard about Cole from other people who looked up to or admired her, and decided she wanted to find out more for herself.

“Everybody thought that Cole was the coolest person,” she said. “I wanted to hang out with her and I did, and I got what everybody was saying.”

Even now, the memory brings a smile to her face. When asked if she plans to be with her girlfriend long-term, she blushed, her voice dropping almost shyly.

“Yeah, I do,” she said, smiling.

Unfortunately, the biggest hurdle to face was not just her own self-acceptance of her sexuality. Coming out to her parents was something Vogel said she will never forget.

“The next day, they came up here in my dorm and were screaming at me and telling me how it was a terrible decision, blah blah blah,” she said. “It’s kind of hard, looking back now to pick out specific things.”

Overcoming her brother’s initial reaction provided yet another challenge for her. Vogel said she and her brother had always been close, but that his attitude toward people with other sexualities was less than accepting. Even now, Vogel said she feels guilty for the position she put him in.

“Because he’s more connected to me on social media than my parents are, he kind of knew that I was lying for so long and that made it really hard on him,” she said. “I still feel bad even though everything’s fine now that he worked so hard to keep that trust with me even though he was not okay with anything.”

Though her relationship with her parents is better now, she said it was an uphill battle to get there. For a while, she avoided mentioning her relationship to her parents in order to avoid conflict, but eventually she decided she couldn’t take it any longer.

“It was just eating me up and affecting me in many ways because I’ve always been very close with my parents and my siblings and stuff,” she said.

However, her parents eventually allowed Vogel to bring her girlfriend around and have even made attempts to get to know her.

When asked if there was anything she thinks would have helped her during that difficult time, she struggled to search for an answer.

“I think if I had more allies at home during that summer of being secretive, it would have helped me not necessarily with my relationship, but with myself,” she said, voice trembling and eyes filling with tears. “Because I felt like my parents were treating me very differently, especially my mom.”

After seeking help from the UT Counseling Center, she said it’s allowed her to move past some of the things she used to struggle with.

“It’s a great resource that we have here,” she said. “You might think that one thing’s wrong within how you’re feeling, and they may help you see that it’s something else, and show you how to confront it.”

Though she also worked to reconcile her faith with her sexuality for a long time, she said she no longer feels conflicted about the two.

“Love is love, and there’ll be forgiveness whether it’s right or wrong,” she said. “I think that’s super important, and I think that’s what makes me feel like even if I’m not being a proper Catholic, it’s going to be okay.”

STEPHANIE

Identifies as bisexual

Stephanie Clendenen is a public health graduate student at UT who identifies as bisexual. On top of holding down a job, Clendenen participates in organizations where she does everything from studying the algal bloom problem that plagued Toledo over the summer to serving as a committee member of the Green Fund at UT.

Clendenen describes herself as the type of person who used to ‘window shop’ for her next relationship while the one she was in was beginning to wind down.

“Towards the end of my relationship with the previous boyfriend, I would look for other people and flirt around,” she said. “I would break up with one, maybe wait a week and then start going out with the other guy.”

A devastating breakup with her previous boyfriend took her by surprise, sending her into a deep depression. Clendenen said the experience completely changed her views on relationships and how she looked for partners.

“I did nothing wrong, but he never gave me a reason why he broke up with me and that hurt me a lot because I was blindsided by it,” she said. “I went through a massive depression and wouldn’t eat for a month, didn’t sleep.”

The process of finding her current boyfriend was completely different from her previous ways. Instead of actively looking for a relationship, she said the two met more naturally. Before being her boyfriend, he had been one of the friends who comforted her in the months after her breakup, which led to the two of them spending more time together. In fact, they even attended a Pride festival together.

“He was actually going to be my wingman,” she said, her voice full of amusement as she reflected on the irony of it. “He and I were looking for a girl for me to bring home that night, and he was a good sport about it.”

While Clendenen is currently dating a man, not all of her relationships have been with members of the opposite gender. In high school, Clendenen said she grew up suppressing any feelings for the opposite gender because she didn’t have a name for them or an understanding of what they might mean.

The first time she dated another girl, it was before she had come out to her family and friends. While the two were dating, Clendenen hid the relationship from most other people in her life, including her best friend: her mother.

The guilt and stress that resulted strained her relationship with her girlfriend, eventually resulting in their break up.

“I just felt guilty about dragging [her] through all of this when I was trying to hide it from everyone else,” she said. “She wasn’t hidden. She was out, and so I just felt guilty … and I didn’t want to hurt her further.”

It was only in the last year that Clendenen came out openly as bisexual, finally deciding to declare her sexuality to those around her. To Clendenen’s surprise, her mother revealed she had suspected her sexuality for a long time, and the news came as no surprise.

“I told my mom, and she’s like, ‘I knew that.’ And I was like, ‘I didn’t even know that,’” she said, laughing and shaking her head incredulously.

Now, whether she’s going to Pride festivals or checking out girls with her boyfriend, Clendenen is not afraid to make her sexuality known and treats it with the same open, unapologetic acceptance as she treats any other aspect of her personality.

“I don’t care who knows,” she said. “I’m one of those people that if you ask me a question, you better be prepared because I’m not going to hold back.”