Rhodes: Tips for handling divorce

Divorce is a complicated word that comes with a heavy load of baggage and oftentimes mixed feelings.

Trust me — I know from personal experience how emotional of a roller coaster it can be dealing with both your own feelings and those of your parents.

For some, it’s a relief to hear that your parents are divorcing and will finally be rid of each other; but for others, it’s a heart-breaking and unexpected experience that devastates your family and forces you to help pick up the broken pieces of the marriage. When a divorce is finalized, a lot changes legally — and within the internal walls of your everyday family life.

Regardless of why or how a divorce happens, here are tips to remember that can help ease you through the coping process and give you more peace of mind in the midst of a seemingly unstable time.

Remember that it’s not your fault

All the signs may point back to you and you may feel like you somehow didn’t measure up or were inadequate. But don’t let those lies tear you down and separate you from reality — your parents are the ones who didn’t make it work; you had nothing to do with their marriage. In fact, chances are that you weren’t even alive when they decided to get married.

Trying to figure out why they stopped loving each other and vacillating between whether or not they could have worked harder saved their marriage is something reserved specifically for them and you shouldn’t waste your time agonizing over it.

It takes two to get married and two to sign divorce papers. The roots of their problems are most likely deeper than you realize and go back years or even decades into the past.

Try to focus on the positives

Although a lot of traditions and rituals will change in your family, not everything has to become bitter and unpleasant. Try to look for the silver lining in every scenario rather than comparing it to the past.

Did your parents bicker a lot when they were married? Well, now your household won’t be consumed by arguments or saturated with tension anymore. Was one parent lonely or unfulfilled in their marriage? Now they’ll have the chance to restart their love life. Despite your anger over their broken marriage vows, try to put yourself in your parents’ shoes — they deserve the chance to be emotionally content and in love just as much as you do.

Remember that if your parents wanted a divorce, they will most likely be happier in the long-run, even if they don’t seem like it yet. Fear not — with time, their sadness will lift and they will once again resume at least semi-normal lifestyles, moving on and finding ways to fill their lost time.

Keep in mind that two of everything isn’t so bad once you get used to it. Think about it — two family Christmases, two birthday parties and two sets of holidays equate to double the quality time you’ll be able to spend with those you love.

Don’t let them put you in the middle

Oftentimes when a divorce is heated and both parents are bitter, they try to win over their children and get them to take their own side by engaging in name-calling and nasty story-telling. Sometimes they even start rumors. Don’t fall victim to those low blows or believe everything either of them say. Remember, both of their stories will be biased and dramatized due to the emotional pain they feel; both sides must be taken with a grain of salt.

Don’t feel like you have to choose one parent over the other or agree with anything they say. Have the courage to speak up, tell your parents that you love them both and that you don’t appreciate hearing them bad mouth each other. Be sure they know you don’t want to hear it anymore and will not tolerate being forced to choose sides. If necessary, leave the room if they continue the offensive behavior. Though it may hurt their feelings initially, they will come to understand and respect your thoughts as their own bitterness subsides and their rational thinking replaces their defensiveness.

Dissect their marriage to learn lessons

This may sound contradictory, but you can learn from your parents’ mistakes. Examine their marriage and everything you remember about it. What did they do right? What did they do wrong? What could they have done better? What were their crucial relationship flaws? How long did they date before they tied the knot?

By studying your parents’ former relationship and the things they got right, you can learn from them without having to make your own life-changing mistakes. This goes for all marriages, regardless of whether or not the parents are divorced. Take notes of how you want to be different from your parents and remind yourself of the examples they set that you would like to carry on in your own family someday.

As the saying goes, the older we get, the more we become like our parents. Therefore, if you don’t like the image of who your parents are, there’s no better time than now to start recognizing the traits you share and working on changing your habits to leave those unwanted ones behind.

to speak up, tell your parents that you love them both and that you don’t appreciate hearing them bad mouth each other. Be sure they know you don’t want to hear it anymore and will not tolerate being forced to choose sides. If necessary, leave the room if they continue the offensive behavior. Though it may hurt their feelings initially, they will come to understand and respect your thoughts as their own bitterness subsides and their rational thinking replaces their defensiveness.

Dissect their marriage to learn your own lessons

This may sound contradictory, but you can learn from your parents’ mistakes. Examine their marriage and everything you remember about it. What did they do right? What did they do wrong? What could they have done better? What were their crucial relationship flaws? How long did they date before they tied the knot?

By studying your parents’ former relationship and the things they got right, you can learn from them without having to make your own life-changing mistakes. This goes for all marriages, regardless of whether or not the parents are divorced. Take notes of how you want to be different from your parents and remind yourself of the examples they set that you would like to carry on in your own family someday.

As the saying goes, the older we get, the more we become like our parents. Therefore, if you don’t like the image of who your parents are, there’s no better time than now to start recognizing the traits you share and working on changing your habits to leave those unwanted ones behind.