Abayateye: The price we pay to be accepted and relevant
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We are told to strive for success, and with success comes a sense of relevance. But what is the price to remain relevant? I don’t mean the Steve Jobs or Mark Zuckerberg or Barack Obama type of relevance, although that’s great too. I’m talking about that desire to be loved, to be respected or to be appreciated by our classmates, friends, family and perhaps by society.
As we prepare to kiss 2016 goodbye and welcome the splendor and promise of a new year, I thought it would help to have this conversation with someone.
As students, we join sororities and professional groups. We also become friends with certain people, all in the hope of creating connections that would benefit us one day. Then eventually we start our careers, move to better neighborhoods and become members of exclusive societies. Soon, we realize that relationships with some family and friends who could not make it up the social and economic ladder are no longer useful to us. We start seeing less of them. Somehow, we convince ourselves that these choices work well with our desire to be relevant. But relevant for who? What is the cost to ourselves, our friends and to our societies?
I had opportunity to listen to a podcast my friend Janet sent me this weekend. It was a great chance to reflect on my life and to see just how much I had to sacrifice in order to remain relevant and in people’s “good books.” Once upon a time, I smiled at someone who consistently told me I was worthless only to leave his presence and nurse my tears. There was a time when all I cared about was to make others happy, even if that meant withholding my own pain. Well, I probably still do that today.
Unfortunately, I spent important years of my development just trying to please people and to win their acceptance. I accepted the dumbing-down of my value, shattering of my self-confidence and agreed to live a life created by this unhealthy desire to be liked. I forgot I didn’t need anybody’s validation in order to be who I’m made to be. I would always tell myself that if only I can do this one thing to make the next person happy, then he’d like me. I forgot that my happiness and relevance did not depend on anyone liking me or hating me.
But I’m glad I know better today. I am happy that I no longer make apologies for my actions because, unlike in my earlier years, I’m no longer craving to be loved or accepted or noticed. I’m no longer putting up with idiocy just to be loved. I have long embraced my personal value and not waiting on anyone to validate it. I choose what I do without much concern about what others may think. This is not to say that I go out doing crazy stuff with impunity. Yet, most importantly, I’m not looking for friendships that I don’t need in the first place or fighting for spots in people’s lives. Being alone is not a curse; it can be a blessing in disguise.
My happiness and relevance does not come from whether people like me or not.
So as you prepare to take account of your achievements and make plans for 2017, I just encourage you to not let anyone belittle you, because you don’t need anyone’s approval to be you. By all means, be appropriate in what you do and care about people’s feelings, but don’t do it with the wrong motivations. Do it because, deep down, you feel that is what you want to do. Don’t compromise on believing that you’re valuable. Love yourself. Do good. Be happy. You’re already relevant even if the world doesn’t see it in you.
Philemon Abayateye is a Ph.D student in the Department of Geography and Planning and the IC’s Opinion Editor.
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