Bro, it’s OK to say ‘I love you’

Editor’s note: this column contains language that some readers may find offensive.

Whether they’ve been friends since third grade or met in college, I’d still be willing to wager most men haven’t told their best guy friends that they love them.

These very powerful and important words seem to be taboo and are almost never mentioned — at least not in my 20 years of male friendship experience.

When these words are uttered, they tend to go something like this: “I love you…bro” or “I love you, no homo though.”

This is similar to telling your dog you love him, “but no bestiality,” or telling your mom you love her, “but not like Oedipus.” There’s no need to over-explain how we love; you can love one another without having to add narrowing conditions. Love includes a wide spectrum of feelings, not just a few conditional phrases.

Then why can’t two consenting male friends “man-up” and tell each other how they really feel? Is there an unspoken prohibition on feelings?

No, not exactly. But there is sometimes an overwhelming stigma associated with being a sensitive, loving and caring man.

Men should be allowed to express themselves freely and without judgment; if women are allowed to, then so are we. It’s a basic human right and necessity.

Yet there seems to be a constant need to clarify that male friendship does not equate to homosexuality.

Let’s set the record straight. Unless you come out and say you are in love with another man, nobody is questioning your sexuality. But for some reason — even between straight men — saying “I love you” is stigmatized.

In my experience, none of my guy friends have ever been super-open about saying “I love you” to each other. If these words are spoken at all, they’re mumbled, said in a joking tone or mentioned in passing, like a Freudian slip.

But that’s the tragedy. It’s not a Freudian slip; it’s the truth.

I’ll be the first to say it — I love my guy friends, and that’s the truth. My friends Sam, Ben and Dan are the best; I have no reason not to love them.

Unfortunately though, I too have felt pressured by the media, by a hyper-masculine culture and other friends to reduce the magnitude of my feelings.

I’ve been a culprit of not saying I love you at all. One of my really good guy friends is fairly dedicated to preserving strict gender roles — saying I love you clearly was not a “manly” thing to do; therefore, I never did it.

We’ve been good friends for quite a long time, and over time I’ve gotten better at being able to tell him I care about him. However, I can still count on one hand the number of times I’ve hugged this man.

Maybe being affectionate isn’t his thing, and that’s OK. But I generally like to show and tell people how much they mean to me. Giving a hug and saying “I love you” is a pretty easy way to get your point across. The bottom line is that even though people show affection in different ways, it’s not OK to suppress someone’s emotional outlet by forcing a gender stereotype on them.

If I really do care about, think highly of and genuinely love my friends, why am I the “gay” one if I tell them? (Not that there is anything wrong with being gay, but for some reason straight men have an intense fear of being labeled as homosexual — it doesn’t really make sense to me either.)

Conversely, I think it takes an insane amount of “balls” to be able to confess and express how you feel to someone. On a side note: it doesn’t take literal balls to do this; it takes courage — something you can have regardless of physical anatomy.

Emotions and feelings are natural and organic; bottling up these feelings is anomalous. We all only have so much time on this Earth, and it’s impossible to know what ill-timed fate might meet us unexpectedly. We’ve all heard those horror stories about best friends who never tell each other they love one another, then one meets an ill-timed fate and the remaining friend feels guilty the rest of his or her life. Don’t be that friend.

Picture the smiling faces of the people you love and cherish. It’s insane to think that someday they won’t be there. But it’s a fact of life — that’s why it’s so dammed important to tell them how you feel now.

I’ve learned this the hard way. After losing my own relatives and experiencing some of my close friends move away, I realized the importance of making it a habit to tell people I love and appreciate them while they’re still here. Don’t live with regret — tell your friends what they mean to you.

Being genuine and up-front about your feelings should never get you into trouble.

Telling your male friends that you love them doesn’t make you gay; nor does it make you a woman. You can still retain your manhood and tell someone you care about them, and you should be able to do this without being called names.

As men we’re the worst offenders. We call each other horrible, nasty words that emasculate one another. If a man is emotional, he is a “pussy,” if he says “I love you,” he is a “fag.” This absurdity needs to stop immediately.

These words are malevolent, insidious and sinister — this is coming from someone who has been on the receiving end of these words. They do nothing but destroy and desecrate one’s self-esteem.

As I’ve grown up, I have become less afraid of these words. I’m not saying that they don’t still hurt — but I do not fear them as much.

The reason I’m not as afraid is because I realize what I am gaining on the flip side of being labeled. I get the chance to express my true feelings and to experience friendship in its truest and most organic sense. I’m not going to lie; I think it’s beautiful.

It makes me genuinely happy to say it and it makes others happy to hear. So if that makes me less of a man, if it makes me gay, if it makes a woman or any other label you can think of, I’m OK with that.

There’s no need to “man-up.”

I think we all just need to speak up. Just say it; it’s easy, I promise.

I love you.

Joe Heidenescher is a second-year English major and the Associate Community Editor for The Independent Collegian.