Lutz: The dos and don’ts of breaking up
As we all know, breaking up is hard to do. But that doesn’t mean we can’t do it in a tactful, respectful way that doesn’t make an upsetting situation even worse. If you’re a decent person, there are just certain social rules regarding break-ups that I believe everyone should adhere to. How you deal with someone during a break-up says a lot about your character, the dos and don’ts listed below show that it is still possible to break up with someone in a classy way.
Don’t: Go ghost
Nothing is more hurtful than when someone just stops responding to texts, emails and calls. Cutting someone off without warning is not only immature, but it is also cruel. The point of dating is to not only learn what you’re looking for in a partner, but to also learn about yourself. When you don’t end things properly, it leaves your ex not only wondering if you will ever reappear, but it will also leave them to always wonder what they did wrong and what is wrong with them.
Do: Offer Closure
Give them your reasons for leaving. Don’t play the blame game, just keep it simple and tell them that you just don’t think you two are right for each other. If they tell you they want more of an explanation, choose your words carefully, and be kind. Remember, your parting words to an ex echo long after you are gone. End it on a classy note that will leave your ex feeling like that are better for having known and loved you.
Don’t: End it via text or email
This is the coward’s way out. Nothing says, “I have no respect for you,” more than a, “This just isn’t working,” text. Remember the Post-it note guy from “Sex and the City”? Well, if you don’t, Google it…Nobody wants to be THAT guy.
Don’t: Break up by changing your Facebook status
This is just about as immature and cowardly as you can get. Finding out you’ve been dumped from other people could possibly be one of the worst feelings ever. It’s kind of like that song “I heard it through the grapevine;” no one deserves to be the last to know that they’ve been dumped. Being dumped is already hard enough without having social networks involved.
Do: End it face to face
It takes a lot of courage to open up, trust and love someone. So your partner deserves that same amount of courage from you to end it in a manner that dignifies the feelings you once had for each other.
Don’t: End it in public
Many people assume that breaking up with someone in a public setting will make your partner less likely to cause a scene. Oftentimes, this is not the case and then what could’ve been a calm, rational, parting of ways, could result in a messy public outburst, which ends in hard feelings and them not only humiliating themselves, but you as well. Being hurt is already horrible, but being hurt while other people are around to watch is almost unbearable.
Do: End it privately
Choose the right moment and place to explain your feelings and how you want to end the relationship. If they get emotionally upset, it will be just between the two of you, where you should still supportive and understanding of their feelings, and tell them you’re sorry to cause them this pain, but it’s what you feel is right.
Don’t: Stay in touch or occasionally still hookup
Oftentimes people tend to make sure their exes stay bonded to them somehow, as a way to ensure that they are not emotionally free to move on. This is not only counterproductive, but it is extremely selfish and even a little control-freak psychotic. What could be more selfish than not wanting to be with someone, yet wanting to keep them around because you don’t want them to move on, in case you happen to realize you made a mistake, or for fear of ending up lonely?
Do: Cut the cord
Set your ex free emotionally so that they can heal and move on to find happiness someday. You should want happiness for them, even if it’s not with you, because remember, not everyone is compatible. If they were, there would be no point in dating and we’d all just pick a person and stay with them. So give them the chance to find the person is actually a good fit for them.
Don’t: Move on before telling them it’s over
Diving into a new relationship without trying to mend the issues of your current relationship is immature and selfish. It’s like testing the waters before going for a swim, and it’s a dishonest, manipulative, cowardly thing to do. Not to mention if your new prospective partner finds out, I can promise you that won’t turn out well either. Then you have two hurt and betrayed people to deal with, rather than just confronting the situation head-on and ending things in a respectable manner.
Note: If someone cheats on you, no rules apply. They were selfish and had no consideration for your feelings or respect for you. Therefore, you owe them nothing, especially not respect or consideration for their feelings when breaking up with them.
Devan Lutz is a third-year majoring in communication.
