Harker: Gender and sexuality are not the same

This past year has been a huge year for the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, intersex and asexual (LGBTQIA) community. Same-sex marriage has been legalized, and more and more celebrities and politicians have been coming out as being part of the community or as allies in supportive roles. We are in the midst of a cultural revolution that will shape the way generations that come after us are going to look at the LGBTQIA community. As part of shaping the way gender identity and sexuality are viewed by society, the acronyms for the non-gender conforming people, such as people who are transgender, and the lesbian and gay community need to be separated.

By “separated,” I don’t mean that there should be a huge rift between the trans community and the gay and lesbian community. Currently, I think there is too much confusion and misunderstanding when it comes to what gender and sexuality are. Gender is your identification as male or female and anywhere in between, and sexuality is your sexual orientation and preferences. If we keep these two groups interlocked we only continue to allow narrow-minded zealots, conservative soccer moms and republican politicians to sit around and talk about “those people” without ever being forced to acknowledge that we are all different and unique and relevant.

I have been witness to this particular form of casual bigotry more than once in my lifetime. One of the most recent times was at a church carnival with my girlfriend at the time over the summer. We found that amid the falling darkness and disorienting colored lights was a group of women in matching pink T-shirts that made them appear more like a clique or a gang than a group for God. At the head of this group was my mother, and instead of talking about how they could help the community or working to get kids to come play their game to raise more money for charity, they were all sitting back drinking hot chocolate and discussing Caitlyn Jenner. The words “God doesn’t make mistakes” echoed from all of their lips, accompanied by hateful slurs and incorrect pronouns as children scrambled through the tent laughing and I felt my girlfriend’s grip on my hand get tighter. “We’re going to get going,” I said to my mother, interrupting a woman referencing how sad and confused Caitlyn must have been. The group grew quiet and glanced my way, looking offended and somewhat alarmed. My mother, in an attempt to make them understand her crazy liberal daughter said, “Oh you can’t talk about stuff like that in front of Jessica, she’s bisexual.”

Not only does this statement still not make any sense to me at all, but it still alarms me how all of these women took this as an explanation for me disliking transphobia. It was as if we became a group of others, all morphed into one giant gay and trans bubble that they can’t seem to reach but will pray for occasionally at Sunday mass.

I don’t want to be prayed for. What I want is for white, middle-class soccer moms to stop assuming that because a group of people is different, that they are somehow lesser than them. I want people to understand that these things that make us different are not bad things, and we within the LGBTQIA community even differ from each other greatly.

These two groups are looking for different things, face different issues and have different experiences, all of which are valid and important. One way to force this country to acknowledge this simple fact is to separate these acronyms. It is the next step for the understanding and acceptance of these groups in society.

The lesbian, gay and bisexual community, including all people who are non-heterosexual, is not just made up of same-sex couples. You can have a non-heterosexual couple who happen to be comprised of a man and a woman, for instance if they both happen to be bisexual. In the same way the transgender community does not have to be non-heterosexual. There is an abundance of gay and lesbian trans people, just as there are an abundance of straight trans people. Their gender identity does not in any way translate into their sexual orientation.

Even as a member of the community, that doesn’t mean that I understand these issues completely. I can’t. No one who is not transgender can ever fully understand what it means to be transgender. No one can understand what goes on in their minds and in their hearts except for them.

The difference between me and those stuck-up bible thumpers at that church carnival is that I know what I don’t understand. I appreciate the gravity of the situation and I embrace my ignorance instead of using it as a hateful weapon We cannot assume that all people will be able to understand the importance or how much they don’t know. This is why a change needs to be made. There has to be a way for both groups to be able to stand up and say that I am different, I have unique experiences and I demand to be acknowledged.

If we separate these acronyms we force every politician, soccer mom, priest and everyone who decides that they have a right to speak on this issue to realize that these groups are not the same, that this group of “others” is not small and that we will not stay silent. We need to take pride in who we are and show that we have a right to exist and be as different as we want.